IT’S FINAL….

What a miserable day for me…well I suppose,I have to say “for us”
It was my eldest brother’s memorial service and I couldn’t attend.In a way I’m glad,I didn’t have to travel,the more than 900 kilometers,to the city he lived in,Be present at the cremation,stayed over for yesterday and,be at service today and then go through all the goodbyes agàìn,just to take on the 900+kilometres road,back home.I’m not good with goodbyes….especially my family.It would’ve been devastating to me,to hug and kiss and pray,we’ll see each other again….Like we did back in September.We kissed and hugged and said goodbye and now we’re one sibling short…What if any of the 3,of our surviving siblings,gets involved in a vehicle accident and….to let this happen,on another’s memorial….
We had quite a lot of rain, these last few days,but the thunder is scary and unmercyfully loud.The wind is extra strong and pounds the heavy rain drops,full force against the window.The TV signal is scrambled and dead silent….Each time that white lightning strikes,the room lits up,even with my bedside light switched on.This makes the dogs nervous and doesn’t help my grandson,overcome his fear for storms.Luck has it, that hubby is working his last night shift,for the week…
We decided,to take my grandson halfway,to go back home a day earlier,so that his parents can take him,for new school stuff.This just means more goodbyes and endless prayers,to ask to be able,to see all of them again….
I’m still raw,because of my brother’s death.After the heartbreaking news,of my brother,I made videos for all the family members to play and also one,the guy from the funeral parlor,can play from a projector,during the funeral.Then I also made different videos and send it to the different people,who I made it about.
It’s already breaking my heart,to take my grandson back,because I’ll have to say bye,to his mother,father and sister too.In  every family member’s home,there isn’t anyone without a special video…. Maybe it’s time to sit still,let my thoughts go back to that bad news,delivered by my eldest sister(without any emotion,as she’s a very hard person)To give myself the chance,to cry the words I cannot speak and wipe my tears,with the pieces of my broken heart….
Well,time(00H45)is not on my side tonight and I have to go ahead,on my journey later on……
Keep you’re eyes focused on this spot…..