CONFESSIONS…

I don’t really have,many fond memories of my childhood,as far back as I can remember.
Reflecting on my childhood and upbringing,I was actually a miserable little girl.I was the 3rd child,with a sister,nearly 8 years older than me and a older brother,5 years older.As I got older,I realized that my siblings had more freedom,when they were my age.Then,my youngest brother came along,5 years later.It made my life much worse,because my eldest brother was at an age,where he pestered me and did everything,to make my life even more miserable.My sister,the one who played mom,when my mother and father fought,until the blood flowed,nòw had to help with the baby and my portion,of the much needed attention,was also passed on to him.My parents fought almost èvery weekend…

A mother doesn’t have to be,the woman who gave you life…and a child can be a child,to any woman

Must have be when my love for music rèàlly started…..

I’d wake up in my own bed,the following morning.My sister was the one,that made the effort,to attend my school concerts.School fees wasn’t much because,as the schools were subsidized,by Government.Yet,shè was the one,that would make a plan,to pay my school fees, even if it was once a year.She came to my sports events.On Saterday nights,when the drunk’s tempers flaired up again,she would let me sit with her,in my dad’s old,rusty scrapped car body.It was near the two massive Loquat trees,right at the back of the yard.She’d put her radio(then known as a wireless)on the station,called “Radio-Springbok”and I’d try to stay awake,to listen until the end of the”Top 20″radio charts…I was scared to death,to be alone,with my parents,because I couldn’t do anything,when they fought.I still hate,hate,hate being alone!!Right after she matriculated,she moved out,on her own.At least once a month,she’d try to come fetch me,by bus and I could relax,for those two days.
Mother was quick with her tongue,swearing at us,but after my sister left and then my brother,she’d target mè,specifically.Her hands were even quicker.She didn’t think twice and would easily slap me,through my face,or all over my back,just because she had it in hèr mind,that I was about to talk back.Most of the times,it was to ask about the tasks,she gave me to do.She’ll easily give me a hiding,if she feels,I didn’t do my tasks,according to hèr spesific orders.My mother didn’t care,to buy me clothes and again,my sister stepped in and she always,had a way out.There wère times in my life,that I felt she’s starting to hate me too…like my mother did.Yes.Hate…exactly what it felt like to me.Mothers don’t treat their children,like my mother treated me.I saw how my friend’s parents,were with them and I envied them.Children,my age should not go through,what I went through and the sad part of it is,that my older siblings didn’t believe me,when I first told them,of some of my hell,living in that household….It wasn’t my imagination,they were aware of my parent’s fights and didn’t deny that,but they couldn’t believe,that my mother turned into this witch,I made her out to be.

My eldest brother(only turned 61 in October 2019) passed away,on the 7th of January,this years.It is a hard blow,because the 4 of us,were rèàlly close.I love my siblings to bits and I’m glad,I had this flashback, about my sister.She seems,like such a hard and strong person on the outside,but inside…..I knòw she feels alone too and I remember àll the times,she has shown us,but especially me,her soft and caring side.


I have still so much to share and I’m going to….piece by piece.It’s a shame,that my sister isn’t interested,in this new phase in my life,as I am proud of what I have done,until now…espècially regarding my blog/site and my achievements,regarding modern technology.If it was something,my family didn’t expect of me,it was to get thìs!Their first knowledge,of my blogging and social media,was unexpectedly,really not as welcomed,as the vision I had,of how it would be….


I’m adding thìs part,with the idea that one day,she’d read my posts and especially these confessions” and see,how much her approval,stìll means to me.
My mother died years ago,but my sìster,was my role model.I envied her,her life and accomplishments.I never told her this,but I still look up to her(It hurts though,that she shot down thìs idea,before even reading òne post….Yes,my mother died years ago,but the woman,that meant more in my (especially childhood)life,wasn’t my biological mother,but the older sister,who had to play mother to her siblings, when she was a young girl herself….


My sister was the one I went to,with most of my concerns and sensitive questions.
She is one of the most,important people in my life….