NO!!FORGIVE NO!!FORGET JUST REGRET!!

I’ve mentioned a lot of relevant stories,in my other posts,but just in case, you’re reading my post for the first time,let me give you some personal background.

I had a vèry miserable childhood.My mother was at some stages worst,than I think a stepmother could ever be.

As I got older,she got more and more overprotective(pure slavery and child labor!!)She kept me busy with all household chores,especially since I started high school.She would just let me do more and more,until at last,there wasn’t more.It was what I had to do,kept me busy,from when I got home from school,until I go to sleep.Weekends were even worse,as my day started much earlier and ended later.I had to wash,polish and “buff” the floors(Nò floor polisher)Wash and iron all clothes and bedding(No tumble drier) Clean the carpets(no vacuum cleaner)I got pregnant,prematurely,by(foolish)choice,because it would take me away from the miserable life,at home…

My eldest son and his partner,expecting
their first baby(now only 3 months old)

Parents totally ruled your life,back then.I didn’t want to get married,but my mother made an appointment,at the Magistrates Office and I had no choice….

We paid rent,to my parents,but had a lot of uneasyness,when my brother returned home drunk and high on weed,from his “jols” losing his keys.He’d wake us up,at àll hours of the morning,regardless of the fact that anybody,maybe had to work the next day.

One Friday night…No,actually it was the Saterday,in the early morning hours around three,that he knocked on the window.I decided,we shouldn’t get up for him,this time and ignored him.The next thing,a brick flew through the window and my mother and I got up,and opened the door.He was past wasted and very aggressive.I called the police on him.It scared him good and that was the last of that…

USELESS

Come to think of it….I should’ve realized thèn,that I married a loser.He was too scared of my brother and never came out of the room.This would also not be the last time,he’d let me be the “frontman” It happened sò many times,that I had to “fight” his battles.He’d just disappear on me and I’d have to face the people,hè did wrong.

My parents(and us)had to move the rented house was up for sale and now sold.They moved into a flat and helped us,to rent the flat just across theirs,mainly because they want to stay close,to their (then only)grandchild.That didn’t last long, as he lost his job,but didn’t tell me.He’d go to “work” every morning and return at night, after “work” We couldn’t afford the flat and the brother of his new boss/old friend,offered us a place to stay,on a small holding,in the Peri-Urban area,just outside Pretoria-North.It was a ramshackle!!The front part wasn’t finished and the supposedly lounge,didn’t have any windows,as thìs was where the other rooms connect to.Two bedrooms,a store room,with no glass in the panes and the kitchen.From the kitchen,there was a room with a bath,but no hot water,or taps.No inside doors,as well.Also no basin and we had to share,the neighbor’s outside toilet,in thèir yard,with them.At this stage,I was pregnant,with my 3rd child,my eldest daughter.After her birth,he didn’t leave his old tricks behind and would leave me and the children,without food and money,for days,at a time.Because I wasn’t eating properly,òr regularly,I couldn’t breastfeed my little girl and struggled to get formula,for her.The neighbors could help only far.

What rèàlly angered me,was that he worked as a driver,for one of the next door neighbors,who owned a Furniture Transport Company.They didn’t pay him regularly,but had money for holidays.Other times,they’d pay him,but he’d disappear and come back,without a cent.I asked them,to hand me the money,as they knew,it was the children suffering,without food,but they wouldn’t budge.

He started to manhandle me,when he came home, at last,heavily intoxicated and without a cent,to show.

My father gave me a small axe and told me to use it,if I ever need to…Maybe because one womanizing abuser recognizes another?On the night,of my 21st birthday he came home,way past midnight.He saw all the stuff,my mother and sister bought me,for the house,as a present.Under some of the presents,was a tea cup&saucer set,with the matching dishes and side plates.We drank tea,out of the new cups.

He immediately accused me,of having guests over and entertaining them.It was only,because stood wide and full,behind the double doors!!He swept everything if the table,on the floor,while cursing and shouting at me.I went to the room and fetched the axe, my father gave me,a few weeks before.He tried to grab it,but I swung it at him.I don’t know where I got the speed ànd courage from….He looked surprised and vèry scared and I could see the disbelief,all over his face.He tried to grab it again and I lifted the axe.I told him“you’re drunk and you hàve to go to sleep,so I’m waiting for you….go sleep”

Since we didn’t have any inside doors,he couldn’t lock himself in and had to stay awake,the whole night.

One day,the owner of the house came by.He asked me about the rent(which was minimal,for the shack)I said that it gets paid each month,but he hold me,that the rent hasn’t been paid,for the last six months!!He gave us notice, to be gone,by the end of the month.I just started as a student nurse,the month before…

We stayed with the friend,in a Caravan,with a extention lead to use and had to use a bucket as a toilet.One day my mother walked the short distance,to where we were staying.She asked me where he was and I said“not home from work yet”she told me something, that let my blood cook immediately,for the first time!!!She change busses on “Church Square” and had to walk from the one side,to the other and there he was,sitting in a cafè, reading a newspaper!! He didn’t see her and she watched him the whole week,before she told me.She stood around and when he arrived,I asked him about his day.Of còùrse he was tired…he told us about his ruthless boss,shortly after he was “employed” there and that thìs boss grinded him,the whole day…then my mother asked him,about his visits to the cafè.He got red-faced turned around and started running…. He knew he went too far with her,this time.

Thìs friend’s wife decided to let us move out…

Then,the other brother said we could come stay with them,on another small holding,about 40 kilometres out of town.It was worse than a shack.It was an old outside store building,with peeling paint and chipping cement walls.He also put a scrap excuse for a caravan,next to the big hole,in one of the side walls.

We had to bath in the house.We had to move twice,in two months,while trying to work,learn and raise my children.Some nights,he just won’t come fetch me from work.Luckely I knew some of the porters,at the entrance/exit, of the hospital.Three of them,went to the same school,I did.So then one of thèm,would make a plan,to take me home….when I’ll find him,either watching TV at the house,or out drinking,with them all….

I’ve had it…My parents moved to a bigger flat,with cheaper rent,as it was an older building,as the previous one.A flat,two flats from their’s became available and they helped me,to pay deposit and switch on the water and electricity.My pay was sò small,that I could pay my monthly busticket,to take two busses,return daily and buy my mandatory grey panty hose.Nothing more.

He never gave a cent towards his children,for ànything.I hated him and I know I shouldn’t,but I can’t help myself… I don’t jùst hate him anymore,I HATE him!!He wasted,the best part of my young life and left me,with 3 small children,whom I had to raise with some help,every now and then,from my family.

SPERM DONOR(I call him my first living late deadbeat SPERM donor

He never apologized and I’m glad he doesn’t try, because,God forbit,I may just do good on my word,of back then…

NO!!I can’t forget.

NO!!I can’t forgive.

All I have,is my beautiful children and lots of REGRET!!

There is still more parts to this story,but I’ll keep it for another time….

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