STRICTLY(scared?)

Being a part of Qora,let me dig vèry deep in my memories,but sometimes,it’s the memories,from nòt so long ago,that come forward,when I don’t expect it….like now.

It was the case,with one of my answers,on Qora.I always use my personal life’s experiences,to try and help others,to nòt make the same mistakes,I did.

Like I said before…children aren’t born with a instruction manual and a “step-by-step” guide to follow,even àfter they’re all grown up and parents themselves.

Thìs specific question,was about a mother,asking advice on whether she should let her adult son,wear leggings at home.

I can promise you,that I wasn’t the mother of the year,in àny year,when it came to raising my children.I had my first 3 children,when I was 17,nearly 19 and my eldest daughter was born,half a month short of my 21st birthday.This meant,that I didn’t have time,to develop my own personality and my decisions,was based on how I was raised….which wasn’t the best at àll,too!!

It’s no secret,that I hated most of my upbringing and I hated most part,of my childhood life.Yet,I followed the way my mother raised us,more than less.I said my mother,because my father couldn’t care less,about our upbringing,just as long as we were clean and quiet, when he got home from work.

My eldest son got the worst part of it,as I was still “under my mother’s spell” regarding discipline.Because he was their 1st grandchild,they spoiled him rotten,which made it vèry difficult,for me,to try and raise him different.All went well,until my 2nd son was born.He was extremely jealous of his baby brother and I couldn’t leave him alone, with his brother,for one moment.I started becomming like my mother,more and more.I started to give them hiding, when they were still in diapers.I shouted at them, when I was irritated and at one stage,I considered adoption,because I struggled a lot,with them.

My strict,miserable way of upbringing,made my eldest son more rebellious,whilst he was still vèry small.He didn’t want to be with me, because his grandmother, let him get away with anything.The more I struggled,with their deadbeat spermdonor father,allergic for work,the more miserable and useless,my life became.He was help at all and by not having money,plus the fact,that I had to beg for food,from the neighbors, didn’t make easier,on thèm.

I put them in a school and Hostel,400 kilometres away,which also gave them a break,from their tiranic mother.They were in grade 5,4 and 2,when I decided to pack up and moved to the countryside,in the Eastern Cape.It went okay in the beginning,but nòw,my eldest son was used,as an example,for the other children,to behave and obey.I was even more strict with him…..it was as if an evilness came out,instead of being a loving and caring mother.I wanted to punish him…..it was about the same,as how my mother treated me.I was turning into the woman,who was to blame,for the situation I was in,because I wasn’t mature enough,to have a proper developed personality.Unfortuanitely, my children didn’t have the mother,they actually deserved,as they weren’t rèàlly more mischievous and naughty,than other children,their age.

At some stage,I realized that I was at fault and slowly,started to change my way of treating them…The eldest 3 went out working and the youngest 2 moved out,got married and had two children each.My eldest son,stayed at home, on and off and we didn’t mind,as it’s always a pleasure,to have him at home.My youngest daughter,knows everything about life and my terminal illness and when I need to be admitted to hospital, she’ll give all the necessary information.Because my husband can’t always stay around(we live 300 kilometres away from the hospital,where my Pulmonary Specialist practices.Also,my dogs don’t allow ANYONE in our yard,so nobody can take care of them,or feed them)so my daughter takes over,at hospital.

My eldest son(39)just had his first child,now 4 months old.Àll of them raise their children vèry strict and I constantly discuss it with them.I’m glad,they didn’t follow in my footsteps and got pregnant prematurity, but it was only,when thèy were in their late teens,when I was going through the changes,of trying to become,the mother I always wanted to have and dreamed to be.When they treat their children like I treated them,I tell them to remember,how bad it was,to have such a parent and that they have to take in consideration,that nearly 20 years passed,since they were raised,at home…

Lots had happen,in the years gone by and we have to adjust to that.I nearly opened up my eyes too late and I’m trying,to let them learn from my mistakes,that I inhereted from my mother.We don’t have to let go of discipline,but that slap or punch you hand out,can change your child,to the opposite of what you have in mind.Don’t be too strict to them,as this could make your child a vèry scared follower.To give them more leniency and space,to develop their own personality,they could become,one of the future’s best and strongest leaders.Don’t make my mistakes and raise your children,as you were raised,because tòò much changes happen,too quick,in 2 generation’s time….except of course rèàl values and respect…teach,not force.Remember,that respect deserves respect and if you don’t have,or show respect,how are they to know the right way? Grow with your children and try not to let them grow up,before you’re eyes.Support them in their scary journey,to adulthood.You’ve been there once and if you had my mother as a parent,you’d give way.Yes!They have weird stages,like my eldest son and his friend…they didn’t take off their shoes,for a nearly a month,to prove something….back then,it apparently had something to do with “musculanity”the smelly feet was a man-thing and the white, nearly colorless foot soles, were proof of determination and perseverance,after a rèàlly stupid friendly bet. The youngest son refused to bath,because it was” manly”to smell sweaty.They had the weirdest hairstyles and the way they walked,the way they talked ànd the way they dressed!!To be an unnecessary strict parent,makes thìs new and unknown experience,much harder on them.Follow trend and show more leniency….it could help you bond with your(adult) children and you share in a healthy relationship,with them and your grandchildren.

ONE OF THE ANSWERS ON QORA

Answer to My 26-year-old son likes to wear leggings while at home. Can I allow him to wear them daily while at home? by Magdalena Lenie Louw https://www.quora.com/My-26-year-old-son-likes-to-wear-leggings-while-at-home-Can-I-allow-him-to-wear-them-daily-while-at-home/answer/Magdalena-Lenie-Louw-2?ch=99&share=5da81880&srid=RVQwK

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